A Wife

A Wife

A talk by Shaykh Abdullah Adhami

By getting married you are not just getting a wife, you are getting your whole world. From now until the rest of your days your wife will be your partner, your companion, and your best friend.

She will share your moments, your days, and your years.

She will share your joys and sorrows, your successes and failures, your dreams and your fears.

When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she will do all she can for you;

When you have a secret, she will keep it; when you need advice, she will give you the best advice.

She will always be with you:

when you wake up in the morning the first thing your eyes will see will be hers;

during the day, she will be with you, if for a moment she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind, and soul;

when you go to sleep at night, the last thing your eyes will see will be her; and when you are asleep you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she will be your whole world and you will be her whole world.

The best description that I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'anic verse which says:

"they are your garments and you are their garments" (Surah Al Baqarah 2:187).

Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans.

Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments! Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do in the Alaskan journey.

The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations: the amount of love and affection, intimacy and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the hearts of the spouses is simply inexplicable.

The only rational explanation for these most amazing of all human feelings is that:

it is an act of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, "And Allah has made for you Mates (and Companions) of your own nature ..." (Surah Al Nahl 16:72)

Only our Almighty Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses.

In fact Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His signs in the universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the signs that should guide humans to His existence as He says in the Qur'an,

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are signs for those who reflect." (Surah Al Rum 30:21)

But Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away.

The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides.

For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.

Remember that our Prophet Muhammad Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife Aisha. She out ran him but later after she had gained some weight, he out ran her.

Remember that you will be rewarded by Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala for any emotions you show to your wife as the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said "one would be rewarded for anything that he does seeking the pleasure of Allah even the food that he puts in the mouth of his wife."

Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car's door for her, etc.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her up to ride the camel.

Try to always find some time for both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.

Remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam gave glad tidings for those couples who wake up at night to pray together. The Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake the other spouse up even by throwing cold water on his/her face.

Always try your best to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam said

"the best of you are those who are best to their wives."

Finally, it is common that spouses vow to love and honor their spouses until death do them part. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones.

Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for few weeks. He candidly said to her "I don't like your parents." Naturally, she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and said " I don't like yours either".

.. Also, it is not enough that you love her until death do you part.

Love should never end and we do believe there is life after death where those who did righteousness in this world will be joined by their spouses (Surah Al Zukhruf 43:70) and offsprings.

The best example in this regard is the Prophet Salallaahu 'aliahi wa'sallaam whose love for Khadija, his wife of 25 years extended to include all those she loved and continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house he would send portions of it to Khadija's family and friends and whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's sister Hala, he would pray saying "O Allah let it be Hala."

How to make your Wife happy ?

bahrain-circle@googlegroups.com

How to make your Wife happy ?


Beautiful Reception
After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:

Begin with a good greeting.
Start with Assalamau 'Aliaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.
Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!
Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations

Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.
Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.
Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.
Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
Friendliness and Recreation

Spend time talking together.
Spread to her goods news.
Remember your good memories together.
Games and Distractions

Joking around & having a sense of humor.
Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.
Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.
Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment.
Assistance in the Household

Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.
The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.
Consultation (Shurah)

Specifically in family matters.
Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.
Studying her opinion carefully.
Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.
Thanking her for helping him with her opinions.
Visiting Others

Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)
Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.
Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with.
Conduct During Travel

Offer a warm farewell and good advice.
Ask her to pray for him.
Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.
Give her enough money for what she might need.
Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..
Return as soon as possible.
Bring her a gift!
Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.
Take her with you if possible.
Financial Support

The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).
He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).
He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.
Smelling Good and Physical Beautification

Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.
Always being clean and neat.
Put on perfume for her.
Intercourse

It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)
Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.
Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).
Begin with foreplay including words of love.
Continue until you have satisfied her desire.
Relax and joke around afterwards.
Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram
Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.
Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.
Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
Guarding Privacy
Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters.
Aiding in the Obedience to Allah

Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiyam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).
Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.
Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.
Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.
Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so.
Showing Respect for her Family and Friends

Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.
Invite them to visit her and welcome them.
Give them presents on special occasions.
Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..
Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first. Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family.
(Islamic) Training & Admonition
This includes:

The basics of Islam
Her duties and rights
Reading and writing
Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs
Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women
Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library
Admirable Jealousy

Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.
Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.
Avoiding excess jealousy.
Examples of this are:
1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean
2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.
3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
Patience and Mildness

Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.
Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..
Forgive the mistakes she does to you.
Correcting her Mistakes

First, implicit and explicit advice several times.
Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.
The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. In this case, the husband should consider the following:
He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet PBUH never beat a woman or a servant.
He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc..
It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an .
He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.
He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.
Pardoning and Appropriate Censure

Accounting her only for larger mistakes.
Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..
Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.
Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.
Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet PBUH never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.
Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations
Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.
When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.
Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.